Becoming Nothing

I continually say that "God is teaching me" lots over here, but I've not written much about that in a while. Here is a bit about one of those recent lessons. Hopefully it can encourage you a bit, too!

Excerpt from my Journal on March 25th, 2013

...I don't want to be just another casual Christian. I fear this greater than any other thing in life. Not being sold out to you. And I am probably scared about this, because I feel that it is who I am now. I don't share you. I don't. I keep silent so much of my life. And I let my sin nature rule so often. For years, I have had this naive notion that "future Sam" is awesome. She is great. She has it together because she knows what it means to follow her Jesus. She loves him so much that he has perfectly crafted her to show his love, bear his name, and look like Him. For a while, I thought I would meet "future Sam" in Africa. I thought that you just had to get me here, and then she would show up. I would finally exit, stage left. But I'm still here. And I still mess up and I still take control of my life and I fear many things. I can think of two things that I fear most, that seem opposite and yet are inexplicably tied. I fear that I will never do something BIG and GREAT for You, my King. That I will do nothing. And I also fear that I will never learn to be nothing. My greatest sacrifice will be myself, and I am scared that I will never learn how to really lay myself down. I am scared that I will achieve nothing while making myself something. Please don't let me.

Father, "future Sam" is not some figment of my imagination. She is real. And she is who you have created. I am her. You are shedding layers and unveiling me to look more and more like ME. The me you created. The me that reflects You best. You have created this woman whose heart finally cares about the brokenhearted. You have created this woman whose heart mourns the lost, whose heart yearns for the orphans to see justice. You have created this woman who wants to learn to love others well. You have redeemed her soul and you think she is so beautiful. You think she is beautiful in her dependence and her neediness. You think she is beautiful in her stubbornness and determination. You think she is beautiful in her confusion and her uncertainty as she yearns to follow you. And I am her.